The Reason We Don't Come Forward.

           Right now, splashed all across the big bad Interwebz is Bill Cosby's aging mug alongside varying captions regarding his current (and mounting) rape and assault allegations. One such article from Buzzfeed was supposed to be about his VICTIMS.

            Not being one to ever shut my mouth, I replied to this article. Immediately the likes and comments started pouring in. At first, words of support and similar examples were posted. I walked away, content in the knowledge that most people agreed with what I wrote. Which was:

             Sometime after my initial statement was posted, these vomit-inducing comments came in.

             Here are the faces and beliefs of men who quite frankly, disgust me. If we report, we are looked over. If we don't report, we are just doing it for attention if and when we finally do. We can't ever win. Out of all the women I know, I don't know a single one who has never been sexually harassed, molested, sexually assaulted,  sexually abused or raped.  I myself have been the victim of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and... raped. Yes, raped.  

             I never reported my rape. I'm a statistic. I was 19, I was out on my own, I was in the Navy, and the man who raped me was sort of seeing me (he refused to put a title on our relationship, but that's beside the point). We had been sexually active before, but on the night I was raped I was fresh out of an abusive engagement in which my every move was controlled. He told me I shouldn't drink too much and being young and not liking being told what to do after the abusive relationship, I did the opposite and blacked out. To this day I have no recollection of being sexual with him. He knew exactly how drunk I was and took that to his advantage. I only know we had sex because he told me so. I didn't know how to feel. I just assumed it was entirely my fault, because I shouldn't have had so much to drink. He was familiar, it wasn't so bad, right? At least it didn't hurt?

             To a 19 year old those may seem like entirely rational answers. But he violated me and he took advantage of me. And I never reported it.

             There are so many reasons a woman may choose not to report a rape, but mostly it boils down to fear, shame, or assuming (like I did) that it's her fault. Women choose to report it and receive death threats or attempt suicide.  We are told that we need to protect ourselves against rape. Don't go drinking, watch your drink, cover your cleavage, wear pants and never skirts. The message here is that men can't control themselves (which is really offensive to men, they are entirely capable of NOT being rapists, I know because I'm married to a non-rapist) and that women control their own rape or no rape fate. It doesn't matter what we wear, where we are, we could be raped. We fear. We fear being raped and if and when it happens we fear speaking out.

              Sometimes (actually, more than sometimes) even when we do what we need and get a rape kit, they don't even process them.  The system is failing women as a whole.

              I choose to believe that these women are telling the truth. I hope you do, too.